Only Once
by Artisticmom2
Summary: Sometimes that's all you get and sometimes that's all it takes.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Many Thanks to Misplaced for wielding the red pen

* * *

The warm night air was perfumed with the sweat of hundreds of beings crowded onto a hardwood floor, all with the same purpose. In the center of the massive, heaving throng, Hoshi danced with wild abandon. She knew she should be concerned about what she was doing, about what was happening, but she couldn't work up the emotion to care.

She had her arms in the air, swaying in time to the music. He was behind her, hands on her hips, pulling her into him as moved with her. The lights were pulsing, and her heart was pounding. They shouldn't be doing this—any of this. Not the intimate dinner, not the wine they shared, and certainly not the dancing. _Hmmm…_she thought, smiling as she felt his hands tighten around her and a smile spread across her lips… _I still don't care._

He couldn't believe what he was doing. It wasn't entirely inappropriate for them to have dinner alone while on leave, but the wine, and now dancing with her—like this… He could feel his control slipping. He couldn't afford to let it slip, but he was past the point of caring. Running his hands up her sides, he pulled her back into him. He lowered his head to her neck, and started kissing his way from her ear to her collarbone. He felt her tense for a moment and then relax, melting into his hands.

_What is he doing? What am I doing? Do I want this to happen? Is this just the alcohol? Do I care?_ Realizing that she didn't care, she just let it happen.

She was tired of always keeping herself composed while on board the _Enterprise_. She was tired of never letting on how much he affected her. Or how long she had wanted him, desired him, and loved him. Coming to a decision, she spun around, and buried her face in his neck for a moment before pulling him off the dance floor.

_My room is closer,_ she thought, ignoring the repercussions of what she was about to do.

Stumbling to her room, she keyed open the entry with her palm print. She backed into the room, her hand still holding onto his.

He paused at the threshold, his frame blocking the light from the outside. He pulled her back toward him. "Are you sure you want me to come in?" he whispered. "If I come in, this won't stop."

She hesitated and swallowed. "I… I don't want it to stop. We only have tonight."

She pulled him into the room.

The door swung shut, plunging them into darkness.

She awoke hours later, with the sun streaming in through the open window. Slowly, she opened her eyes gazed at the spot next to her. It was empty. She was alone. Lying back with a sigh, she closed her eyes again. Tears seeped out from underneath her closed lids.

Back onboard the _Enterprise_, life went on as if nothing had happened. Nothing had changed between them. Not his demeanor towards her, not her performance of duties. Nothing. She became resigned spending the rest of her tour with her eyes focused on the communications panel, her mind on her translations. Once, she had thought about renewing her commission, but not any longer. If she was going to be miserable, she was going to do it on solid ground—not in a flying tin can. She would go back to Brazil.

Opening up her calendar, she counted out how many more months she had left. Sighing, she sat down at her computer and started to type. She figured she might as well get a head start on her letter of resignation.

He could see her closing herself off. She still had the same bubbling personality on the outside, but he saw the subtle shift on the inside. She grew more distant with each passing day. He felt helpless to stop the change.

_Two months later_

"Ensign, you're late."

Hoshi gave Captain Archer a weary nod as she crossed the bridge to her station. Settling in, she noticed Captain Archer walking over to her station.

She avoided his eyes as he leaned over and spoke softly to her. "What's going on, Hoshi? This is the third day in a row this week, and we won't even _talk_ about last week."

She sighed and looked up "I've just been under the weather, sir. It'll pass."

"Go see Phlox after your shift is over, this isn't passing soon enough." He turned back toward his chair. Hoshi nodded to his retreating back, and then turned her attention back to her console with an inaudible sigh.

_This can't end soon enough._

Sitting on the edge of the biobed, Hoshi saw Phlox coming toward her with her test results. She became concerned when she saw him key the door for privacy. He never locked the door. Phlox smiled his too-wide smile as he set the padd down, and sat on a stool near the bed.

"What's wrong?" she demanded.

Phlox's smile grew even wider. "Don't worry, Ensign. You're not dying, you're pregnant!"


	2. Chapter 2

Hoshi felt like she had been thrown into a vacuum, a wind tunnel, and a fog, all at once. But her brain couldn't seem to work fast enough; it felt stuck. "_WHAT?_"

Patting her leg, Phlox smiled again, "Don't worry, pregnancy is easy in human females. I've been looking forward to studying this aspect of human biology. I didn't think I would have the opportunity on board _Enterprise_—Commander Tucker notwithstanding - but I am very excited! Everything will be just fine.

"You don't understand…How can…But it was only that one…ugggghh…"

"I don't understand," Phlox said. "You're going to have a baby, maybe two. It's too soon to tell with the equipment I have on board. They don't exactly outfit star ships for obstetrics."

"TWO!?" Hoshi wailed.

What am I going to do? When will I start to show? Can I resign before that? I don't want him doing something noble just to be noble.

Composing herself, she looked up at the doctor.

He continued, "That was a joke, Ensign. You are going to deliver one healthy baby-"

"I _don't_ want to know! Thank you, doctor. I just… Can we hold off on knowing the gender…and other details? I just need to think about this for a while first - to plan."

"When you and the father decide which birth method you would prefer, please let me know. In the meantime, let's schedule your prenatal visits, and get you set up with a vitamin regime."

Hoshi sighed. "Phlox, there won't be any regime, or visits, or anything. I'm leaving _Enterprise_. I typed up my letter of resignation several weeks ago. I was waiting to turn it into Captain Archer…until… Well, I was waiting until I was closer to the end of my tour."

Her eyes filled with tears, and she looked away. She wiped her eyes, and looked at him. "Please, I don't want anyone to know about my condition. I'll be off the ship before I really start to show. Just tell Captain Archer that whatever virus I picked up on Risa will be over soon."

Bowing her head, she added in a whisper, "Please, Phlox."

"But, well, ah, I see," Phlox said, not seeing at all. _What is the problem here? I thought I understood humans, understood Hoshi. What am I not seeing? _After a long pause, he added, "Hoshi, the computer has already made a genetic match with the father. I know who he is, and I think that he would make a wonderful father… Whatever has happened between the two of you…" He faltered when he saw the hopelessness in her eyes.

Hoshi hopped off the biobed. "Just tell me one thing: will the baby have his eyes?"

Consulting his padd one more time, he said, "Yes, the baby will have his eyes."

Phlox was as good as his word. The report he sent to Captain Archer assured him that Hoshi would soon be over her virus, and she was not contagious. Phlox's recommendation was for more sleep when she was off shift.

Now all she had to do was submit her letter of resignation, and get through the next few weeks. She had been careful to look up all pertaining regulations. She could resign at any time, anywhere, after her end date with no questions asked. Starfleet had owed her that much. She decided to turn her letter in, by hand, at the end of her shift. No one from the senior crew would be around to ask questions if this got ugly. She hoped it wouldn't. But the captain would notbe pleased.

"Come in."

Steeling herself, she entered the captain's Ready Room.

"Hoshi, what can I do for you?"


	3. Chapter 3

Hoshi's door opened with a silent whoosh, and she was grateful to gain the peace of her dark quarters. The talk with the captain had gone slightly better than anticipated. She had expected him to get angry. His disappointment had been harder for her to handle.

_But life is just full of little disappointments, isn't it?_

Sighing,she stripped and climbed into bed. She was exhausted. She laid her hand on her still-flat abdomen, and wondered how much longer she had as she drifted into a restless sleep.

The captain's Ready Room was crowded twenty minutes before Alpha shift was due to start. Captain Archer had called the senior crew together to notify them of Hoshi's decision. Last night, he had spent a long time throwing his water polo ball against the bulkhead, working out what to do about the situation. He knew there was nothing he could say or do to convince Hoshi to stay.

"What's this all about, Cap'n?" Trip asked when he walked in and saw everyone assembled.

The captain looked up with a somber expression and broke the news to them.

He was beside himself, but couldn't show it. _How could she be leaving? I thought she was finally happy_,_ that she had worked through her aversion to_ _space! __Is it because of what happened on shore leave?_

Running his hands through his hair, he sighed.

_What am I going to do?_

Sitting at a table in the Mess Hall, Hoshi was trying to get through her dinner as fast as possible. She was aware that everyone knew by now. She had been getting strange looks all day. Hoshi wanted to hide in her quarters.

A tray _thunked_ down on the table next to her. Trip flopped down on the seat next to Hoshi. Not looking at her, he started tucking into his meal. Swallowing, he said, "You know you can't get away with this without a goodbye party."

She pasted a smile on her face and nodded, knowing that arguing with Trip would be useless.

"Why is she leaving?"

He heard that question numerous times over the next week. No one had an answer, and he knew that he couldn't be the one to pry it out of her. _After shore leave…she hasn't really wanted to talk with me anyhow. _He shook his head, and went back to his work.

The transport taking her back to Earth was due to rendezvous with _Enterprise_ tomorrow morning. All that was left for Hoshi to get through was tonight's party. She couldn't avoid it. Hoshi knew that once Trip got an idea in his head he was bound and determined to see it though. She also knew that Chef had spared nothing from his stores to make the evening special for her. _At least I get first dibs on the chocolate cheesecake… Where did he get the chocolate?_

Everyone had said their goodbyes, and left the party in ones and twos. Hoshi had been surprised at how emotional some of the crew had gotten. Even T'Pol had been emotional—_or emotional for a Vulcan, that is._ T'Pol had given Hoshi a book of Vulcan poetry, and a handshake. That had been almost teary for the Vulcan!

Hoshi turned to look out the window. She wanted to spend a few more minutes staring at the stars whizzing by at warp speed. She was already packed; there was nothing left to do. Hoshi was surprised when she saw his reflection in the window. She thought he had left the party an hour ago.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked in a quiet voice. He was close enough that she could feel his body heat warming her.

She paused, forming her reply. "You've always known that this wasn't forever. I don't _like_ space. That's been your passion, not mine. I love the _Enterprise _and her crew, but not enough to make this permanent."

"But you could-"

Turning to face him, she cut him off. "No, I can't, I'm sorry, I just can't." She saw the sorrow on his face, and her eyes start to burn. She pushed past him, leaving him alone in the empty room.

_Just a few more hours_…

That night she dreamed of Risa.

They lay there on the bed together, breathless and sweaty. He rolled over and caressed her cheek. "Hoshi, I love you… mar-"

She silenced him with a finger to his lips, and then a kiss. She didn't want him this way. He loved space, the Enterprise, and Starfleet too much to walk away from it. Starfleet owned him and wouldn't let him go. She didn't want to be married in space—**to** space. She knew that someday, on firm ground when neither of them had to report to someone, it could be different. But she also knew that "someday" wasn't going to come.

She woke up crying long before the alarm went off.

_Enterprise_ was docked against the transport. She had requested that no one come to see her off, but she knew they would all be there just the same. She had one last goodbye with them all with them all—Travis, Malcolm, Trip, T'Pol, Phlox and Captain Archer. She managed to hold herself together until the end. She had been surprised that it had been Porthos who had gotten her to tear up.

And then, with a wavering, watery smile, she was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

He was crushed. Devastated, if he was being brutally honest with himself. He couldn't believe that she had left. That she didn't want him, didn't want to be in space any longer.

_That's no surprise. She_ _never made a secret of how much she disliked space. Or how much of a trial it was for her to leave Earth… She did make great strides_,_ though… _ _I was just hoping that she would change her mind_,_ and I wouldn't have to make a choice._

He sighed. _It wasn't me that she didn't want_._ She told me that she loved me… She just didn't want a life _here_. She's stayed longer than she planned…waiting on me._

Throwing himself down on his bed, he closed his eyes. _Stupid and selfish, that's how you're acting_. _You're old enough to know that you can't have it all. It was pretty low of me to ask her to marry me when I'm not willing to consider leaving the _Enterprise_._

_I can't leave the _Enterprise_…_

8 Months Later

Hoshi was warm once more, and relatively happy, but short on sleep. Hoshi had given birth two months ago, and the baby was growing like a little weed. The university in Brazil had been happy to have her back, and she had found them a small hacienda near campus. She had also arranged her classes so that she could have the baby with her. She didn't feel comfortable being apart from her child just yet. The liveliest parts of their weeks were the days when her mother came to visit from Osaka.

Hoshi grimaced when she thought of her mother. _At least she's stopped pestering me about the identity of the baby's father and marriage._

It was Saturday, and she was enjoying a quiet day alone with her little one. Halfway through the baby's morning nap, and Hoshi's fourth cup of coffee, a knock came at the door. She set down her cup, wondering who it could be. Hoshi hadn't been expecting any visitors. When she opened the door, she stepped back in shock.

He was here. He had come.

Regaining her composure, she stepped out into the courtyard and closed the door behind her. Turning to face him, she opened her mouth, but he cut her off before she could say a word.

"Why did you leave?" His voice was raw, his face haggard.

"You_ know_ why. I couldn't take it anymore—being in space, flying in a tin can, the constant danger…not having you." She couldn't meet his eyes. She turned and looked off into the courtyard, fighting for composure.

He put a hand on her shoulder, and she jerked away, tears coming to her eyes.

_Damn these hormones! Why can't this be simple!? _

He was frustrated. He had traveled millions of miles to be here, to find her. He had gone months with no word of her or from her. Not even a "Hi, arrived safely back at Earth." He had spent months keeping his frustration bottled up—there hadn't been anyone he could confide in. And then, there had been Phlox's cryptic remarks. The doctor had kept saying something about watching where people put their hands and pans of pebbles.

And now, Hoshi was clearly unhappy and angry. Taking a deep breath, he began again.

"I've left Starfleet."

"_WHAT!?_" Her voice raised an octave, her eyes wide. "You actually left?"

He reached for her hand. "I realized after you left that my life onboard had become pretty shallow and meaningless. I'd already done everything that I had set out to do." He paused again, looking down, and said in softer tones, "I realized that everything I wanted left on that transport. I put in my resignation right after that, then spent the last few months dealing with the backlash and red tape.

"You know they couldn't let me go without a fight." He chuckled, looking at her. "I informed them that keeping one of the heroes of the Xindi Affair captive in Starfleet would probably be bad for their image." He smiled. "No one wanted to deal with the reporters."

Hoshi sank down on a bench, and he joined her, finally capturing her hand in his. Rubbing it, he said, "I want to finish what I started on Risa. Hoshi, mar-"

Once again, she stopped him with a finger on his lips. Pulling her hand away, she rose and went back into the house. He was confused. What now? He gazed out into the courtyard, trying to collect his thoughts.

Several minutes later, he felt her hand on his arm, and he turned.

Without a word, Hoshi lowered a bundle into his arms. "Before you finish that statement, I want you to meet someone…" She unwrapped the top of the blanket to expose a tiny face with Asian features. "Meet…your son…" She trailed off as the baby yawned and opened his eyes.

They were bright green.


	5. Chapter 5

Epilogue: Three years later

Hoshi lay in bed, listening to the sounds of the world waking up. There was a soft rain coming down, and she could hear the parrots outside start to chatter. She was nestled up against him, his arm curled protectively around her even as he slept. Since his unexpected arrival three years ago, they had been virtually inseparable.

She continued to work for the university, and he contracted out with Starfleet as a consultant. He never went to San Francisco, though. If they wanted him, they came here. Or spoke to him via comm link. Starfleet had given up their golden boy without much of a fight, and he claimed to be happier than he had ever been.

_Now if Mother could only get over it all…but I suppose that's her prerogative… _ Her parents had been surprised—her father downright pleased—when she and Jon had announced their elopement. She suspected her mother was more upset about missing the chance to organize her only daughter's wedding than any real objections to Jon. _After all,_ _she never objected to him during all the years we knew him before Starfleet…_

The room started to lighten. _I'd better get up while the house is still quiet_. Hoshi was reluctant to leave the warmth of their bed, but she knew if she didn't start her day before Henry, she would get none of her grading and class prep done. At three and a half, he was into everything. She needed this quiet time to get ready to go on maternity leave.

Rolling out of bed, she struggled to her feet. Her back had already begun to ache. _These two are larger then the last. I guess Phlox got his little joke after all_! She wondered how much these girls would change their lives, and how amusing it would be to see their daddy wrapped around their collective fingers. He claimed to want girls who looked just like her. She was hoping for girls who would resemble them both. Time would tell.

Two months later

Last time, she had been more anxious, more upset. He hadn't been with her during the last birth. But this time, he had been with her the whole way. Even now at home, after the birth of their daughters, Hoshi had only to call out and Jon was there. She nestled back in bed, enjoying the last quiet moments before the girls woke up. Hearing them start to fuss, she sighed and got up.

Jon brought the babies to her as she settled into the sofa, and prepared to feed them. Kissing each one, she looked down at them in wonder. Life had turned out so differently than she could have imagined. Although, one thing had turned out just like she had hoped: the girls were the very image of their mother until they looked back at her with their green eyes.


End file.
